Acceptance
by elaine451
Summary: Complete. A few folks suggested I resubmit this one to the Buffy category, so if it seems very familiar, it was first in Angel. Set about a year after Not Fade Away. Angel's not happy, neither is Buffy. But she comes to town and needs his help and he just
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:** Set about a year after Not Fade Away. Angel's not happy, neither is Buffy. But she comes to town and needs his help and he just needs her. Not a great summary, but let me know if I should finish it up.

**Disclaimers:** Mutant Enemy and Joss Whedon own it all.

**Feedback**: Appreciated

* * *

The lone man faced east, his jacket catching on the rough edges of the brick wall. It would be his first sunrise in almost 250 years. He thought he would feel more emotion. Excitement, fear, regret. All he felt was a sense of relief. This must be what prisoners experience when after hours, days, months; years of torture they are finally allowed their ultimate release. When they can finally embrace the blessed oblivion of death. 

He opened his arms, ready to accept the darkness.

"So, this is how it all ends, huh, big guy?" The little man leaned against the wall.

"Doyle?"

"And who else would ya be expectin'?"

"I wasn't expecting anyone, least of all a dead demon." He wasn't happy to see his old friend. All he wanted was to die in peace and Doyle would never let that happen.

"Well, Cordelia did volunteer to come, but considering how pist she was at your decision here,I were afraid she'd kill ya herself beforeI had a chance to try and change your mind."

Angel laughed without humor. "You're right about one thing, Doyle. This is my decision." He sighed in defeat. "I just can't do this anymore. I can't live in this world with all this pain. I lasted over 200 years without forming any real attachments. Darla, Dru, Spike, I could've just as easily put a stake through their hearts as not. I just didn't care…"

"Angel, m'man, you had no soul. Of course you didn't care." Doyle conceded.

"Well, I don't want to care anymore, I want it over. I'm tired Doyle. Tired of watching friends die, loved ones leave. I tried so hard. Pushed her away, gave him a new life, saved the world." He gave a harsh laugh. "The demon and the soul, Doyle. I feel like they want me to choose and I'm not sure which way I want to go." Angel slumped, his head in his hands.

Doyle walked up to his friend. "You'd better come to terms with them, m'boy. Both of them. You're a demon with a soul, make peace with it. With them. Stop fighting and finally accept yourself for who you are. The good and the bad."

"I did Doyle, long ago. I accepted it, all of it. The black and the white. The good and the evil. I see the gray Doyle, I live in the gray. Life was so much simpler when it was black or white, good or evil."

"Angel, the good doesn't always win. Life isn't like that. You were always too hard on yourself. She was never that hard on you, she understood more than you ever gave her credit for. She understood and she accepted."

Angel looked up at Doyle. "She's coming. I feel her with every ounce of my being."

"Well, go to her then. You know Angel, you're the one who left her. She's in pain the same as you. You can't separate soul-mates as strong as the two of you and not expect repercussions."

"The happiness clause, Doyle. It's still there. I can't be around her and not want her."

"Honestly Angel, you can be such a wanker. Do you really think at this stage in your life you can ever achieve absolute happiness again? After all you've both have been through, all the loss, all the pain? Very few people in this world ever find that moment of complete happiness. They're just glad to find a few minutes of peace. Love doesn't equate pure bliss Angel, m'boy. After the long life you've lived, I thought you would've come to that realization."

Angel shook his head and looked up at the Irishman. "She never forgave me for walking away, for making that decision for the both of us. You know what happened that first time, I couldn't take the chance. But now, I couldn't leave her again, I'm just not all that self-sacrificing anymore."

"A lot has happened in seven years, to the both of you. She isn't that young innocent slayer and you aren't her errant knight come to redeem himself by fighting the dragons for her. You've both lived lives, hard painful lives. The memories may dwell in the shadows, but they can never be forgotten. Come inside lad. This madness isn't you. And despite all the intervening years, you are going to have to help the slayer with something she needed to face three years ago."

* * *

Doyle looked at Angel, trying to find the man he had left behind six years ago. It was the eyes; the warmth, the compassion, a lot of it was gone. A lot of it, but not all. He seemed to going on auto-pilot now. He needed to help Buffy get through this. In helping her, Doyle was sure he would also be saving himself. 

"So what's up with Buffy? The new man in her life an immoral bastard? Nothing new there, Doyle."

"Enough with the smart-ass attitude and listen to a little story about a slayer brought back from the dead…again." And Doyle began to tell the tale…

"So, when that Wicca summoned your Buffy back from the dead, she had the power alright. But she didn't have the wisdom, the spirituality inherent in the white magiks, to bring her back pure. Buffy needed the assistance of a certain demon half way through her journey back. Her soul had to piggy-back with the demon so that she could make the transition out of the spirit realm back into the one Willow was calling her to. It would've worked, but once the urn of Osiris was broken, the demon was unable to return to its dimension and was forced to merge with Buffy's soul; it had no other place to survive."

"What kind of demon is it? If we have to exorcise it, we'll need Willow, she should be the one handling this, not me. I'm not the one for this."

"To be honest, man, Willow is the last person needed in this endeavor. It doesn't matter what demon it was, it's part of her now. They rely on each other for existence. Kinda like you and Buffy. You live with your demon, Angel; you feel the pull and you know when to resist it, when to accept it. You have to help her with her demon, you have to teach her."

"It seems to me she's been handling it just fine. No calls, no letters, not even a postcard. I think the powers are just playing with us again."

"The powers have nothing to do with this man. As far as they're concerned this is a-let-the-dice-fall-where-they-may event. She's not the only warrior in town and neither are you. This is my call, I care for you and I know you love the little girl, it's time you both get over yourselves and try to live a life."

Angel was unsure how to react to this. "So, what do you expect from me Doyle"?

"I expect you to help her; she needed to know all this three years ago. She needed the knowledge to understand her new emotions, her change in attitudes. It was all attributed to her coming back from heaven, which was a pretty huge deal alright. And that's how all her friends tried to help her.Adjust to life out of heaven. But there was a major confusion in her; she didn't even understand how to verbalize it. She just tried to move on. And now the demon is integrated even further in her psyche and she needs to know so she can deal with it. You are a big part of that." Doyle waited for some sort of response." You have nothing to say?"

"What can I say, Doyle. Why am I a big part of it?"

"You're all she thinks of. You were the only man she ever loved and her biggest emotions come with thoughts of you. Her demon feels what she feels, but has a harder time controlling the desires. So, she's coming here and she will feel you as strongly as you feel her. You need to be together, to complete the cycle. Both your demons know this and unless you complete your bond, they'll do it for ya and you may not be able to control them. We're talking raw emotion and desire here, m'lad. You have to convince her that the two of you belong together and you need to help her know her demon and accept it as well. You know I'm right Angel, you need her as much as she needs you."

"I know we belong together, but convincing her after all I have put her through. I don't know Doyle…"

"Don't think so much Angel. Just feel, just do. Let your demon help you with this. You have to release the fear of Angelus taking control. As long as you accept him, stop fighting him, he loses any control he may have ever had."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary:** Set about a year after Not Fade Away. Angel's not happy, neither is Buffy. But she comes to town and needs his help and he just needs her. Not a great summary, but let me know if I should finish it up. Buffy/Angel pairing

**Disclaimers:** Mutant Enemy and Joss Whedon own it all.

**Feedback**: Appreciated

* * *

The sound of her shoes hitting the pavement as she ran comforted her. The methodical slapping of her soles on the hard surface, so familiar. She turned onto the grass and continued to run at a fast clip. She thought she might like the feel of the soft, damp grass as it gave way beneath her pounding stride even better. It cushioned her steps and the dull thud gave her a false feeling of being cocooned in cotton; safe, unbreakable. She hit the gravel at an even faster gait and threw up small bits of sharp rock that hit her calves. The sting of pain that it caused made her catch her breath for a moment. Then she laughed out loud. It was good to feel the points of pain. To feel something, anything other than her confusion. It felt real, it felt like life. She didn't need to hold anything in while she ran, didn't need to hide her feelings. Sometimes all the jumble of emotions was too much for her so she just tried to turn them all off. And it was getting harder to do.

She continued her run, it was close to midnight now and for anyone else this would be considered insane. A petit blond out for a late night run in a very dangerous part of town. But she wasn't just anyone, she was the slayer. Well, one of the slayers. There were so many now. She had become just one of the many. Of course, she had died twice and saved the world – a lot. But that was in the past and this was now and really, who remembered?

She knew she was feeling sorry for herself. She did that sometimes, reliving the glory days and missing the fact that she used to be special. The days of her former self. She never spoke of it aloud. And she never let it show around the others. She was always trying to live down the immature, whiney ways of her youth. But late at night, when she was running, these ugly, pity-me thoughts would run through her mind. The only way to rid herself of them was to run harder. Run harder or kill something. And there didn't appear to be anything to kill, so she ran.

* * *

She felt him watching her. She'd been in town a week and had started running almost immediately. And every night he was there. They could feel each other, always could. But he didn't approach her and she didn't try to find him. It was funny – they were funny. So in love yet still so distant, so far away. She had come as far as the wharf and ran to the end of a dock, the wood pilings echoing, vibrating with each new step she took. When she reached the end of the dock, she turned.

She saw him standing next to a pylon, his hands in the pockets of the black leather coat he wore. All in black, as usual. How not surprising was that? She slowed as she came near.

"You really ought to try navy sometime Angel. Or brown, I read that brown is the new black." She bent over to tighten her shoestring.

"Didn't think you'd be surprised to see me." It was a flat statement, his jaw clenching as he spoke. "Why are you doing this?"

She was as beautiful as he remembered, a little thinner perhaps, but no less lovely. Her muscles much more defined, her hair a bit longer. But she hadn't seemed to age in the passing few years and her scent was the same, he could find her during rush hour in New York City. He thought back to his conversation with his demon friend.

It had set his thoughts in motion, but how to make this work? He still hadn't figured it out, but he would.

She looked up at him with distain. "Doing what? Running? I run, so what? I know this is your city to protect and all, but do I need to get a permit from you to go running? I see your ego hasn't changed. It's great you can count on a few things to stay the same."

She stood up to her full height of 5'3" and continued. "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm keeping you. Don't you have important apocalypse-type stuff to get to? Were you going to tell me about it, ask me to, oh I don't know…help? Or were you going to save the world, die, maybe come back from the dead and then give me a call? Oh, wait. That's Spike, isn't it? Sorry, you and your kin do that kind of stuff. You die, come back and keep it all to yourself, except maybe tell Andrew. I have to be honest Angel, didn't think Spike had it in him to be all self-sacrificing Angel-like. Guess it's the angsty-soul thing. Your blood does run deep. Glad you averted a new apocalypse, though." She hated the way her voice sounded to her ears, but she couldn't seem to stop the avalanche she was spewing.

She paused to take a needed breath before she continued. "Been to Italy lately? Lurking in the shadows, as usual? No 'Hi Buff, what ya been up to? Why ya hanging with the Immortal?' NOTHING! Just assume the worst. Well, fuck you Angel, I owe you no explanations, no answers, nothing."

Angel had to stop himself from smiling. He was still amazed how she could take so many events, so many hurts, and cram them all into disjointed yet understandable, at least to him, paragraphs. He had really missed that.

She turned away from him and stretched, getting ready to resume her run. He watched her movements, so sure in her body, in her abilities. No fear. He smelt anger, frustration, even desire, but no fear.

Buffy looked up at him, one last time. She couldn't resist. She had to see his face, the face of the only man she had ever loved. "I gotta go. Stop following me, Angel. I've done without you for five years; I think I can handle a little run in the dark."

She tried to pass by him, but his hands snaked out faster then she had anticipated. He grabbed her around the waist and pulled her to him. His mouth descended brutally onto hers, wanting herto retract all the harsh and bitter words that he knew he deserved. But also wanting to punish her, punish her for living a life without him. He succeeded in taking her breath away. Buffy opened her mouth to take in a gulp of air and Angel took the opportunity to push his tongue in, invading her soft recesses with his deep probing. He had almost forgotten how sweet she tasted. That taste, along with the slickness of her body almost pushed him over the edge of reason.

Buffy's arms wound around his neck as she pulled herself up to wrap her legs around his waist, all the while deepening her kiss. This was crazy, a far away voice told her, but she couldn't stop it. Didn't want to stop it. Soul be damned, it had been so long, the Master himself couldn't tear her away from Angel right now. She felt almost disjointed from her body, as if she could see what was happening, but she was unable to do a thing about it but feel.

His hands molded themselves to her backside, pulling her as close as their clothes would allow. Her legs were tightly wrapped around him and he could feel the intense heat she was radiating. He had to have her and he knew he couldn't…shouldn't. What if Doyle was wrong? She moaned and that sealed their fate. Angel lost control of any thought he had.

She moaned against him. God how she missed this, missed him. The feel of him, the scent of him. Despite all that had happened in the intervening years, this man was her mate. She pulled slightly away from Angel, earning a growl in response. She looked deeply into his eyes and threw her head back, opening up to him. Granting him access to the place that still held his mark. It was an unspoken invitation for him to drink from her.

He felt his willpower ebb away. He knew this wasn't right, but he couldn't deny himself of her any longer. He loved her, he needed her and if this was the only way he could have her, so be it.

Buffy couldn't wait. If she had to beg him to take her she would. Right now she felt that she needed this more than life. "Please Angel. Please."

Her pleading was his undoing. He pressed his lips to her neck, running his tongue along his mark. Then he released his demon. As he bit into her she tightened her grip around his waist, feeling the cascade of sensations begin to take her under. He turned them so Buffy's back was supported by the pylon as he opened his pants and pushed her running shorts aside. They ripped, but neither of them noticed. He thrust into her as he drank. Buffy muffled her scream in his shoulder as she bit down, tasting his blood and welcoming his invasion. Neither one knew how much time had past, nor if time had just come to a standstill, and when she came in a furious explosion, calling his name, Angel erupted into her at the same time.

If anyone was looking at the couple mating they would have be left speechless, not just by the picture of unadulterated lust they painted, but by the waves of color emanating from their locked bodies. Swirls of greens and yellows, diaphanous and billowing, were pulled upinto the air around them, to be swollowed up by the ether. But neither noticed, too intent on each other.

It was unadulterated carnal sensation. The need, the hunger. Pure animalistic lust. They both fell to the ground, numb to the wooden splinters and the dirt. When she could finally focus Buffy looked at him.

"Angel?" He could hear the fear in her voice.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary:** Set about a year after Not Fade Away. Angel's not happy, neither is Buffy. But she comes to town and needs his help and he just needs her. Not a great summary, but let me know if I should finish it up. 

**Disclaimers:** Mutant Enemy and Joss Whedon own it all.

**Feedback**: Appreciated

* * *

"Angel?" He could hear the fear in her voice.

"Yeah Buffy, it's still me." He leaned back to look at her, she looked so wonderful. A little mussed maybe, okay a lot mussed, be still so beautifulAngel took his coat off and put it around her shoulders.

"Not quite sure how to feel about this. Guess this explains why it was so easy for you to stay away from me, huh?" She couldn't keep the hurt out of her voice. What a silly, immature bitch I am, she thought. I have mind-shattering sex with the man that I love, have always loved, and then I'm hurt because he didn't revert to a murderous demon without a soul. Twisted much? She shook the thoughts out of her head. "God, just forget I said that. Chalk it up to years between intercourse." She winced, had she just admitted she hadn't had sex in years?

Years, huh? A great start. He couldn't help but chuckle at the little girl look on her face. He could see her conflicted emotions and could almost read her thoughts. Great sex, but he doesn't love me anymore.

"Buffy, I love you. I always have and I always will. But even you have to admit, this wasn't exactly perfect. Did you feel pure happiness?" He ran his hand through his hair. "Only you can make me feel all these emotions Buffy. Including the fear of losing my soul and letting Angelus back into the world. When we were making love..."

"Having sex." She corrected.

"Whatever. Anyway. I lost all conscience thought of everything but feeling you and that one nagging thought. Angelus. Guess we found a loop hole in the curse. As long as the fear of losing my soul is there, how can I ever find complete happiness again?" He waited for her reaction.

"This was a one time deal, Angel, it has to be. Come on, get real. You haven't even tried to see me since The First. And that wasn't a social call." She got up and attempted to straighten her running shorts. "I don't think we should test out that theory again. It's too dangerous. And I know I could never kill you or Angelus again." She looked up at him. The look on his face was determined and angry. She expected sad, wistful, and yes, brooding. But not this.

"I'm not giving you up Buffy. I have spent the past five years dreaming of you, wanting you. Now that we have a chance, I am not going to lose you again. We need to talk; we need to figure something out. I have lost so much this past year; I can't keep losing you, too. I need you here, evenif Inever touch you again, I need you near me and I think you need me too. There are issues Buffy, things we need to discuss. Figure out. "

She looked at him with confusion and softened for a moment. "I'm sorry Angel. I know you lost most your team, lost Connor, Cordelia. But do you really think you and I can just be friends? What just happened, doesn't that tell you anything? We can't be around each other without touching, without wanting, without sex. You knew that all along, which is why you left me."

This was killing her; she wanted to be with him so badly. He was hers and she was his, this would never change. But together they were too dangerous.

"Angel, I need to find some clothes before I go back to the hotel. Dawn's at Dad's, but I can't walk into the lobby like this."

An idea was forming in his brain, maybe it would work. If she didn't kill him before he could get it into action.

Yeah, he was sure Doyle would approve. Angel flashed back to part of his conversation with Doyle.

"_Just tell her the truth man. She knows you wouldn't lie to her."_

"_She's never going to just agree to stay with me and she's never going to believe me about the demon within her. Demons, just too frightening for someone like Buffy. I'll have to slide it in somehow, once I convince her we belong together."_

_Doyle wasn't convinced. "I don't know big guy. Ya don't think the truth would be best?"_

"_You really don't know her, Doyle. I'm thinking flat out running from the truth. If she doesn't try to kill me first."_

"Earth to Angel… Angel, are you listening to me?"

"Um, yeah. Sorry… I'm back at the Hyperion. Come with me, I'm sure we can find you something there."

* * *

Angel opened the passenger door for her and she got in. This could work, he'd make it work. He was not going to lose her again. He didn't even care about the demon at this point. No more self-sacrificing for the good of many. Man he thought, I really watch too many Star Trek movies. It would take some work, but he knew he could figure it all out. And she needed him as well, it was all good.

May the gods bless Doyle and his nosey interventions.

"So, what's with the visit to L.A.? And Dawnie's with you?" He had to find out exactly why she was here and for how long. He had to make her relax, to get over the discomfort of their passion.

Trying to overcome her embarrassment at their recent actions, Buffy tried to sound calm, in control. "Yeah, well super-dad has some provisos regarding Dawn staying with Giles and me. She has to come to town twice a year until she's 18, which is why we're here. Dad and I already had our little bonding visit, so she's going to be staying with him for another 3 weeks. I think he realizes it's a little too late for us, so he's attempting to bond with his younger daughter and he has about a year to do it. He's so transparent. And Dawnie can see it all. She just wants to make sure she gets back to England before school starts."

"Are they staying in town? I mean, how come you aren't with them?" Did that sound casual enough?

"Oh, Dad's going to take her on a back-packing adventure for 2 weeks, he thinks if they get back to basics and are away from my negative influence he can win her back and have her move here with him. He so does not know Dawn. Like he could, seeing her once in 3 years? And then I think they're off to Alaska, Giles has all the details. Dad didn't want me following them. How totally weird is that? I mean I know she's safe with him, he's not a pervert or anything, but Giles had to agree so she could come back to England." Buffy was feeling sore from their earlier interlude, visions of what they did running through her mind and making her a little twitchy. She stretched her arms above her head, drawing Angel's attention.

Angel looked over at her, she was his and the sooner she could come to terms, the better. As Cordelia would say, obsess much? He knew it all seemed insane, more Angelus than Angel, but the ball was in play and he was not going to look back. He could tell she was replaying the evening, he could feel her heartbeat quicken and the new heat coming off of her. Yes, this could most definitely work. Even if they were unsure of their standing with each other, their demons knew better. How weird was that?

"Are you going back to Europe?"

"No, actually I thought I might take a little vacation myself. I check out of the hotel tomorrow and I thought I might rent a car and drive up the coast. Check out the crater; maybe make it up to the Canadian border. We'll see." She snuck a sideways glance at him.

"Want to meet for lunch tomorrow? Someplace dark? Tunnel accessible?" She didn't want tonight to be the end, she had to see him at least once more and someplace public would work. They could be adult about this, she was trying adult all the time now. This was the only man she could ever love and she hated the thought of their last meeting being about this trivial shit that didn't matter. This small talk.

"That would be great Buffy. But you know what? I can pick you up. I still have one of the cars from Wolfram & Hart. Necro-tempered windows and all, I can drive it in daylight. I'll call and we can set up a time. Just bring all your luggage and I'll take you to get a rental. Sound good?" He held his breath, waiting for her answer.

"Sounds good." Buffy said with way too much enthusiasm. What a complete dork, just calm down and breathe. "Since I'm going to see you tomorrow, let me just borrow your coat. I think I can make it through the lobby like this, so you can just drop me off at the hotel, 'kay?"

She looked over at him. Everything about Angel made her ache. He brought up every emotion in her as well and she felt herself begin to lose what little control she had gained. Gods, what was happening to her? She had worked so hard to keep it all in check, but one look, one touch and she was a quivering mass of desire.

He looked at her and smiled. She couldn't help but smile back and gave him a questioning look. "What?"

We're here Buff." He reached over to put a strand of her hair behind her ear. "We're at your hotel."

Buffy jumped at his words. What a totally geek, she had been so mesmerized by his smile, his touch, she had lost a few minutes. Deep breath, she told herself, get a grip.

"Oh yeah, great." She smiled at him again. "Jet lag, still haven't caught up on that lost sleep." Oh god, can I be more lame? "So, tomorrow then? Check out is at 11:00, does that work for you?"

"Of course, I'll see you at 11:00." He grabbed her arm as she opened the car door and pulled her towards him. "Buffy, I do love you." He looked into her eyes and placed a sweet, chaste kiss on her soft lips.

She kissed him back. "I love you too, that was never the issue." With that she was out of the car and through the lobby without a backwards look.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary:** Set about a year after Not Fade Away. Angel's not happy, neither is Buffy. But she comes to town and needs his help and he just needs her. Not a great summary, but let me know if I should finish it up.

**Disclaimers:** Mutant Enemy and Joss Whedon own it all.

**Feedback**: Appreciated

* * *

Angel pulled out onto the avenue, his mind ticking like a bomb. He didn't have much time to put his plan into action, but he could do it, he had to do it for the both of them.

First things first. He had to get Spike and Illyria out of the hotel for a few weeks. Shouldn't be a problem, the two of them had bonded after the big battle. Illyria had been a bit lost after both Wes and Gunn had died. She clung to Spike, as much as her god-like self would allow. She referred to him as her pet. As for Spike, for all the complaining and fighting, he needed to be needed by her. His soul needed it.

When he walked through the doors of the Hyperion the two of them were in the lobby, arguing. Actually, Spike was arguing, Illyria was taking a dismissive attitude.

"Listen Blue, you can't just walk up to someone and take their baby. They tend to get a little distressed. You don't own all the people in the world anymore, you stupid git!"

Spike looked up as Angel entered the room. "Thank god you're back. Could you please talk to her royal pain in the ass? She's having god flashbacks and she's gonna get us all buat the stake."

Angel sighed. He did not need this right now. "So, what happened now?"

Illyria rose from her seat and approached Angel. She cocked her head to right side and spoke. "The humans show much disrespect for their superiors. I was merely curious as to the strength of an infant human and the female breeder behaved in a most inappropriate manner. In my day…"

Spike interrupted her. "Well, it ain't your day, pet. Your day is long gone, along with all your god-like power, so you better get used to it or get your sodden head shot off."

Angel took a deep breath and looked at his two charges. Well, no time like the present.

"How would you two like to take a vacation? It might be a good idea to get Illyria out of town for awhile, show her a bit of the country. Maybe Vegas? The city never sleeps. Or New York? Open all night. Even New Orleans might be the spot. Or better yet, all three. Take a few weeks; help her to acclimate to this new world. She's been here over a year and she really hasn't seen all that much."

Spike eyed him suspiciously and took a long drag off his cigarette. "Okay Peaches, what's up? Why you tryin' to get rid of us?"

"This appears to be an excellent idea. I would like to see more of my domain, what has become of my people, my lands. See how far the humans have fallen since they no longer have me to worship, to lead them. Yes, Spike, we shall leave now. The sun has still not risen so we can make a start now. I shall go and gather a few needed supplies, blood, Weetabix." Looking at Spike, "You, gather whatever else we may need." With that, Illyria left.

Once she was gone, Spike turned to Angel.

"Okay Angel, what's the deal. 'Fess up."

* * *

Buffy braced herself against the onslaught of the hot shower spray, set to super lethal, it would appear. She was too exhausted to fiddle with the controls, besides the stinging heat was helping her sore muscles. Was this really happening to her? She wasn't even on a hellmouth and insanity was still following her around. Was her life always going to be shrouded in drama?

She got out of the shower and wiped the stream off the mirror, taking a good look at herself.

The bruises were already starting to fade, but her lips were still swollen, a reminder of Angel's passionate and brutal onslaught. She touched them and closed her eyes, remembering how it felt. Her fingers slid down her throat, running over the now healed scar, the place where Angel marked her for the second time. She shivered as she relived that moment.

Buffy's eye's snapped open. "I have to call Giles. What if there really is a loophole, what if we really can be together?" It was almost 3 am, so it would be 11:00 in England …

Just let it go Buffy, she thought. You and Angel are a lethal combination and I will not be responsible for releasing Angelus on the world again. She was already packed, now if she could just get a few hours sleep she'd be up to pretending everything was right with the world when she saw Angel tomorrow.

* * *

Angel gave Spike a look of impatience and turned his back to him. "Look Spike, I don't have the time to feed your paranoia and suspicions. I just would like to be alone for awhile. I need space."

Angel didn't want to go into all this with him. After Spike's soul-filled confession about his so-called relationship with Buffy, Angel couldn't handle the jealousy, Spike's or his own.

"So, I take it things didn't go well with the slayer then?"

Angel turned around to face his grandchilde. "What?"

"You stupid poncer. Did you think I wouldn't know she was in town? I can feel when a slayer is about and it sure wasn't one of the newbies and certainly not Faith. Her vibe is so different from Buffy. No one can be like Buffy. But you already know that. Besides, I can smell her all over you."

Angel ran his hand through his hair. "I just cannot get into this with you right now Spike." He did not want to have a whose-dick-is-bigger contest regarding Buffy. He had too much to do.

"No worries Peaches." Spike looked right into Angel's eyes. "I'm only ever going to say this once, so listen real good. She was never mine or anybody else's for that matter. She's been yours since day one. You'd have to be a blind, soulless fool not to see that. You might've been able to walk away from her Angel, but you took her heart and her soul with you. As for the rest of us mate? We never had a chance. We were all generic replacement parts, never the right fit." A flash of sadness swept over his face, quickly to be replaced by a sideways grin. "Gotta go pack. Wouldn't do to keep Blue waiting too long, she does bodily damage."

He had made his peace regarding Buffy long ago. She didn't love him, never would, and he needed love. Real love, not beat-me-to-a-pulp kind of lust. At this point in his life he felt that he deserved it. Spike started up the stairs then stopped and turned around. "Good luck, man. I hope the two of you find what you need."

Angel just stared after him, in disbelief.

He may have a soul, but he still loved to keep the old man guessing. And leaving him speechless was just an added bonus. He couldn't hide the familiar smirk as he made his way up to his room.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary:** Set about a year after Not Fade Away. Angel's not happy, neither is Buffy. But she comes to town and needs his help and he just needs her. Not a great summary, but let me know if I should finish it up.

**Disclaimers:** Mutant Enemy and Joss Whedon own it all.

**Feedback**: Appreciated

* * *

After Angel had showered he took one final look around the room he planned to keep Buffy in for the next few weeks. He had chosen the third floor back bedroom because the windows had been bricked off. Cordelia had originally wanted him to use these rooms so there would be no risk of sun exposure. "I am so not going to dust buster your sorry ass up if you forget to pull the drapes, mister." He had decided on the room downstairs because he actually liked looking out the windows. The other room felt too much like a tomb to him. And he had spent quite enough time in tombs in his day, thank you very much.

He had spent the better part of the past seven hours trying to make it look livable and he hoped Buffy would feel the same, once she got use to the fact that he had kidnapped her. There he had finally admitted it to himself. He was about to kidnap the woman he loved and try to convince her to spend the rest of her life with him. As well as confront her with the fact that Willow had messed up a little more than anyone had thought. Maybe she'd think it was romantic and not try to kill him right off.

Naw, wasn't gonna happen, she was going to be royally pist and try to injure him severely. He went through the room one last time, making sure there were no sharp wooden objects. Or anything else she might use to try to kill him with.

Angel looked at his watch, time to go. He had a moment of doubt. Maybe he could convince her over lunch to stay with him on her own. He'd try, but if she was set on going, he'd follow through with his plan. He just hoped she'd speak to him when she woke up.

* * *

Buffy paced nervously as she waited for the bellboy to retrieve her bags. She was more than capable of doing it herself, but when she called to concierge to let him know she was checking out, he insisted. "Please miss, its part of the service."

Trying to clear her mind of last nights events, Buffy felt her body betraying her. What was it about Angel that could set her blood boiling after all these years? She loved him, that was a given. But her physical reaction – it was crazy. One look from him could send heat coursing through her whole body, one touch and it took all her willpower to keep herself from throwing him to the ground. One kiss could send all thought and reason entirely from her mind.

She had drunk from him last night. She should have been disgusted with herself, but all it did was throw her farther over the edge of sanity. She was his mate and if she were honest with herself, she had relished it. She had finally put her mark on him. It was so primal, so animalistic, and it felt so good, so right. When she and Angel had first been together, before the whole Angelus debacle, they had talked about the bloodlust, the blood play that vampires engaged in. She had wanted to play a little herself, but Angel had said no. It wasn't something to be played with during heavy petting, it would push him too far and he wasn't sure he could reign himself in. But maybe someday, when they had decided to take that final step together. Well, they had taken it and now here they were, older, but maybe not so wiser. She was seriously considering seeing that shrink at the council's new offices when she got back to England.

* * *

Angel touched his shoulder. It had healed, but the memory of Buffy biting and drinking from him, he moaned out loud, the thought was enough to make him lose control. He could feel the demon in her. It was not in control, but it was intensifying Buffy's natural instincts and bringing some of it's own to the forefront. Guess there really were no accidents, all things happened for a reason and Buffy's being here at this time was too perfect for the both of them.

An unnecessary breath caught in Angel's chest when he saw Buffy standing in the entry way of her hotel. God, she was so beautiful. A combination of strength and vulnerability. He just couldn't lose her again. And he would decimate anyone who stood in his way. He felt the strength of his resolve solidify. He gripped the steering wheel to stop his trembling. Where did this emotional conviction come from? It was almost a violent need. Now wait. Did he mean it­-would he really eviscerate anyone who tried to stand in his way? He thought for a moment. Yes, he absolutely would, without a second thought.

As he pulled up in front of Buffy, all doubts and fears fled. He was doing the right thing, the only thing, for the both of them. Angel stopped the car in the shade of the hotel's awning. As he was about to open the door, Buffy poked her head in the window.

"Pop the trunk and I'll have the doorman put my bags in – too much sun." She gave him a smile that was as bright as sunshine.

The sight and smell of her sent his senses whirling. Okay, he thought, get a grip. He smiled back at her. "Sure, Buff, thanks."

Once she was settled in the passenger seat, she turned towards him. "So, what's for lunch? I'm starving."

"I thought we could go back to my place and I'd cook for you. Sound alright?"

"Sounds fine. I've been wanting to see the place. Willow told me about it, but I never quite made it up before you moved into Wolfram and Hart." She tried to sound nonchalant, but she felt her heart beat just a bit faster and her skin flush. And of course, she knew Angel would sense it, as well. Damn vampire senses.

Yes Angel thought as he did a mental high five. She was excited to be with him. Her voice gave no indication, but her body told him otherwise.

* * *

"I like the place, but how does it compare to Wolfram and Hart? I saw the offices in Italy and I'd guess the L.A. office didn't suck." Buffy popped a piece of cheese in her mouth as Angel finished preparing her lunch.

He looked over at her. "It really wasn't my style. But the necro-tempered windows were pretty cool. Loved being able to stand in the sun. Lunch is ready, shall we sit?"

"Umm, I'm starving." She looked at the meal Angel had prepared. "Looks great. I didn't know you could cook."

"Lots you don't know."

She gave Angel a side-long glance. Yes, lots of things she didn't know. Five years worth of things she didn't know. "You're right." With that she dug into her meal.

Angel loved to watch her eat. For being such a petit thing she could really pack it away and still have room for desert.

Buffy looked up at him. "What? You know I have a high metabolism."

"I know, just love the way you enjoy food. I missed that." Angel stood and warmed some blood in the microwave.

"So, are you all alone here now? I thought you had Spike and Fred – is that her name? – living with you?"

Angel shifted uncomfortably, trying to discern her feelings with the mention of Spike's name. "Actually, Fred's gone too."

Buffy felt his sadness with the mention of the young girl. "Sorry, I knew that. I didn't mean…

Angel stopped her before she could continue. "No, don't…don't apologize. Her name's Illyria. Spike's sort of taken her under his wing."

He thought about that for a moment. "Actually, Illyria's taken Spike as…I don't know. She calls him her pet. And he lets her." Angel again looked for a reaction from Buffy.

She sighed, stopping her fork in mid-air. "It's funny. When you lose a lot you do things no one else can understand, even you don't understand." She shrugged and looked at him. "It helps the numb."

Buffy put her fork down. "You know, I'm feeling really tired. Must the turkey in this pasta. Can't seem to keep my eyes open."

Angel caught her before she fell. Boy, those drugs really worked faster than he thought. Maybe he used too much, but he was afraid that as a slayer, she'd need more than an average person. He held her to his chest and felt the strong, steady beat of her heart. His heart. She was going to be fine.

He had two options here. Lay her on the couch, wait until she woke up and then take her to get a rental. Stop this madness before it got out of control. Or, take her to the room he had prepared and convince her this was the right thing for the both of them.

She had said it herself, when you lose a lot you do things on one else can understand. Angel wasn't going to help the numb. He was going to stop it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary:** Set about a year after Not Fade Away. Angel's not happy, neither is Buffy. But she comes to town and needs his help and he just needs her. Not a great summary, but let me know if I should finish it up.

**Disclaimers:** Mutant Enemy and Joss Whedon own it all.

**Feedback**: Appreciated

* * *

Buffy felt the strong arms catch her. But it really didn't matter because she was floating. Floating with strong arms holding her close and the familiar smell invading her senses. It was all of the good. She knew she should try to open her eyes, fight the feeling of comfort enveloping her. But she didn't really want to. It felt so good. And she was so tired of fighting. It felt like heaven and she wanted to stay this time. 

Angel carried Buffy up the stairs, having given in to his desires. She gave a slight moan and dug herself deeper into his embrace. Her small hand clutching at his skin, trying to get even closer.

He gave a low growl and pulled her tighter to him. Mine, he thought, my mate. And even in her slumber, she knew he was hers.

Angel felt the possessive demon stir within him as he laid Buffy on the bed. His impulse was to rip her clothes off and take her while she slept. He shook his head to clear his thoughts.

After the last battle, when the smoke had cleared and the losses had almost been total, Angel had roared at the gods. At the gods, at the goddesses, at the powers, at the universe. And once he had stopped, once he had stilled his mind, he accepted. All of it. Not just the loss, but the good and the evil. The right and the wrong. The soul and the demon. Doyle had thought he was still fighting, but he had let go.

He had fought his demon for so long, afraid that if he let his guard down it would consume him, soul not withstanding. But with his acceptance came an understanding. He was a vampire, a demon with a soul. But a demon, never-the-less. And he wasn't afraid. The soul out-weighed the demon, but the demon tempered the soul. He was no longer the open, bleeding wound of guilt. The gypsy curse had done it's work. Made him hate himself, suffer for the monster he had been. And suffer he did, for almost a century and now he had nothing left. He couldn't even bring himself to feel guilt for what he was now doing. This was something he knew both of them needed.

He did, was doing, all that he could to balance the evil. But the past was the past, over and done. Now was all there was. Buffy had accepted this, accepted him, years ago. And now he could finally do the same. He no longer felt a monster when the bloodlust hit him, as it only really did with Buffy. She understood him, was probably the only one who did now.

There were no illusions; the dark was in his soul, right along with the light. Just as it was with almost every other being on the planet. Including more than a few demons. Spike had always known this. But he, Angel, was nothing if not a thick headed mick, as Spike reminded his quite often. So it took him awhile to come to terms.

As he looked down at Buffy's sleeping form, he was glad of his revelations. He would never be free of his demon, but his demon could never be free of him. They were merged now, the two, one. Never to be separate again. No fear of losing his soul, but no promise of ever being mortal. And that was alright.

The soul and the demon reveled.

He watched as Buffy stirred, her eyes moving rapidly beneath her lids. Dreaming. He focused. Dreaming of him. Dreaming of them. Angel smiled. The smile didn't quite reach his eyes. But, in time, it would.

* * *

She looked to her left, at the large mirror covering a large portion of the wall above the armchair. She could see Angel beneath her, his hands clasping her hips, moving her up and down, fast, faster. She couldn't look away from the erotic picture they painted. 

She felt as if she should be embarrassed, but they looked so beautiful together. They belonged together.

She looked down, into Angel's face, his eyes dark with passion, then back to the mirror. He turned his head, as well, looking at her in the reflection, his eyes spitting out flecks of gold. Buffy looked at her own face, her eyes, sparks of green emanating out, swirling around them.

She shook her head. "Angel, how can I see you in the mirror?"

"Does it matter?"

"What is it? What's happening?" She should be panicked, but could only stare into his eyesand feel a sense of exhilaration and fulfillment.

He growled, deep in his chest. "Just be with it baby, it's you. Accept your differences, revel in them." Angel rolled them over, so he was now on top. "Remember, baby, you came back different." He threw his head back as her bared his fangs and bit into her flesh.

He continued to thrust into her until they both shattered into a million pieces of light. A million gold and green stars floating to the heavens.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary:** Set about a year after Not Fade Away. Angel's not happy, neither is Buffy. But she comes to town and needs his help and he just needs her. Not a great summary, but let me know if I should finish it up.

**Disclaimers:** Mutant Enemy and Joss Whedon own it all.

**Feedback**: Appreciated

* * *

Angel leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and running his hands over his face. He'd been staring at Buffy's sleeping form for the past three hours and he hadn't moved more than an inch.

She stirred, trying to open her eyelids. Where was she? Okay, focus, she thought. Finally her eyes opened. She turned her head to see Angel looking at her.

"Angel?" Her voice cracked and she coughed.

Angel came to her with a glass of water. "Here, drink." He held the glass to her mouth and she swallowed the entire contents in seconds.

She looked at him again. "Angel." Her voice softened and she smiled. "I dreamt about you."

Confusion swept over her. "What's happened? I feel so weak. Angel?" She felt his distance and couldn't understand it.

His back was turned to her when he spoke. "Did you love him?"

"What?" Man, this was just becoming more and more confusing. Alternate reality? Was this her Angel?

"Did you love him?" He repeated, his voice a little harder.

Buffy shook her head in an attempt to clear her thoughts and raised herself up onto her elbows. "Who Angel? Love who?"

"Riley, did you love him?" He turned to look into her eyes.

"Angel, what's this about? What's wrong?" She felt so strange, weak. He strode across the room and pulled her up by her shoulders.

"Did you love him, Buffy? Damnit, just answer the fucking question!"

The steel underlying the quiet tone of his voice chilled Buffy. This wasn't Angelus, but it wasn't quite her Angel either. She looked into his eyes and licked her lips, knowing she had to answer the question. "I…I tried to love him. I wanted to love him. He was good and kind and so normal." She paused, "So boring. I tried Angel, but I couldn't."

His grip tightened ever so slightly and he pulled her just a centimeter closer. "Why?" He felt her tremble and reveled in her fear.

She nervously licked her lips again. "Because he wasn't you." He could barely make out her voice.

He rubbed his lips over his mark and she shivered. With his mouth near her ear, he whispered. "And Spike?" He felt her intake of breath. Angel pulled back to look at her once more.

"The truth Buffy. Did you love Spike?" His grip on her tightened and she winced.

With tears welling in her eyes, she spoke in a whisper. "I used him, I abused him. I let him comfort me, sooth me, love me. And then I gave him nothing in return but pain. Even after he got his soul, I couldn't love him. I cared about him; I grew to respect and appreciate him. But I never loved him. And then I lied to him and he knew it."

Very softly with his mouth still at her ear, Angel asked, "How did you lie to him?"

"I told him I loved him." She sounded so small. "He knew it was a lie, but he thanked me anyway and then he died. Is that what you want to hear? What a terrible person I am? How far I fell from grace in so many ways?"

Buffy slumped in his arms. She was so tired; all she wanted to do was sleep. But she was afraid to let her guard down. "Is it you?"

Angel laughed a humorless laugh. "Yeah, it's me. Maybe not the Angel you knew five years ago, but still the souled version."

"I'm not exactly the same girl you knew five years ago." Buffy laid back and really looked around the room. It was all so familiar. "I dreamt of this room, this bed, that mirror." She felt herself blush and looked away from Angel.

Angel arched a brow and gave her a knowing smile. "I know."

"What does it mean?"

"What do you think it means?"

She looked away, unable to meet his eyes. "I think it was just a dream." She said, tiredly. "So, what now? You have your answers, are you going to let me go?"

"You don't appear to be in any shape to go anywhere at the moment."

"Did you drug me or is this some sort of spell?"

Angel sighed. "I'd never put a spell on you Buffy. Just some of drugs similar to the ones the Watchers Council used on your 18th birthday."

She supposed she should be royally pist and maybe when the drugs wore off she would be, but right now she wanted answers. "Why Angel?" Her voice filled with confusion.

Angel was surprised by her reaction. "You have mellowed babe. Doesn't sound like the Buffy I know."

"Well, hello. Drugged here. My fiesty's sleeping. So before it wakes up and I beat the crap out of you, care to tell me what this crazy is all about?"

* * *

"Okay. Drugging me and kidnapping me, interrogating me about past boyfriends;this is the romantic prelude for you to convince me that I should spend the rest of my life with you? Buffy had to fight the urge to burst out laughing, had to be the drugs. Of course this was tempered by the other urge to ram his teeth down his throat. And then there was that look in his eyes. That hopeful-this-crazy-idea-might-work look. That chocolaty-goodness-I-love-you look. And that other look, that one thatgave away the fact that he was a predator, the one that made her heart beat faster.Oh my god, was she suffering from Stockholm syndrome already?

"So you want me to stay with you for a couple of weeks? Why didn't you just ask? You didn't have to go all Alias on me."

Angel gave her an incredulous look. "Right. After what happened last night. Don't think you'd have agreed to a vacation at Casa de Angel. Do you?" He ran his hand through his hair. "Besides, I needed you to know how serious I am about this."

"Serious, yeah. I get that. Kinda crazy, I get that too." She stopped for a moment and looked into his eyes. "Should I be scared Angel?"

"You never have to be afraid of me Buffy. You know that." He hesitated for a moment. "Will you stay?"

She furrowed her brow. "If I say no?"

"Are you going to say no?" Angel held his non-existent breath.

Buffy thought for a moment. Angel, she loved him. A couple of weeks with him, they had never had a chance to do that before. Between slaying, her age and then that blasted curse, they hadn't even really spent the night together. She could pretend they would always be together, she always did that anyway. And lately that fantasy had been a constant in her thoughts. Was she totally out of her mind? The man, no scratch that, the demon had just drugged and kidnapped her and she was seriously considering this. She no longer understood a single thing about herself. She wanted what she wanted and it would appear that common sense had nothing to do with it. And right now all she wanted was Angel.

Angel could see all the emotions running through Buffy's face, he could feel them. She wanted this, but she knew she shouldn't. He prayedher passion would win out overher head.

"Okay Angel. I'll stay. But it's just a vacation. No drugs, no locked doors, no sex." She waited for a reaction. None? Okay. "And I still want to go up to Sunnydale, well the crater. And Disneyland, I want to go to Disneyland."

"This all seems too easy. Are you going to stake me once you get your strength back?" He eyed her suspiciously. He had hoped for this, but never imagined it would be so simple. Okay, maybe not simple, he still drugged and kidnapped her.

"I'm just so tired of fighting Angel. I want to be with you, even if it's for a little while. No matter what, I do love you." She said it with a bit of resignation in her voice and a little smile.

Angel smiled back at her and for the first time in a very long time, it reached his eyes. "A summer vacation it is then."

Raising herself out of bed on wobbly legs, she went to pull the curtain aside to look out the window. "And Angel, a room with windows please."


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary:** Set about a year after Not Fade Away. Angel's not happy, neither is Buffy. But she comes to town and needs his help and he just needs her. Not a great summary, but let me know if I should finish it up.

**Disclaimers:** Mutant Enemy and Joss Whedon own it all.

**Feedback**: Appreciated

* * *

Buffy woke with a start, her heart hammering in her chest. Although the sun was streaming into the room, the sheen of sweat on her uncovered body caused her to shiver and pull the covers up. She'd had the dream again; more vivid and real than when she was in that drugged state. Angel knew what it was all about and he was going to tell her, but she wasn't sure she wanted to know. She was still really good at living in denial.

Rolling onto her stomach Buffy looked out the window, another glorious Southern California day. She missed the sun. Living in England this past year she realized just how much she missed it. Not that she had spent all that much time basking in it, what with the slaying and all. But she always knew it was there. Joni Mitchell was right, you don't know what you got 'til it's gone.

With that, her thoughts turned againto Angel. Her night stalking lover. The sweet, brooding Angel seemed to be gone. Replaced with a side of him Buffy had never really known. He was so definite, so demanding, so possessive. Not really Angelus, but a bit of him. It frightened her a little. And if she were totally honest, it excited her as well.

She shivered, more from her thoughts than any chill in the room, and slid out of bed. She tested her legs, not too bad. Her strength was beginning to return. Buffy felt something deep inside of her blossom and pop. All sorts of emotions, desires began to assert themselves in her mind and in her body. Running her hand through hair she attributed it all to the drugs.

A shower. That's what I need. A nice long shower to wash away these weird thoughts. Damn Angel and his drugs. And damn him for those eyes, and that body and why did he have to look like that and smell like that? She grabbed some clean clothes and headed to the bathroom.

* * *

Buffy came downstairs to find Angel preparing a very late breakfast. She slid onto a chair and looked at his strong back through the tight t-shirt he wore. He felt her gaze, but didn't turn until she spoke. "Am I going to have to hire a food tester or are you going to promise there's no drugs in the food?"

He set a fluffy omelet before her. "Hey, I already promised, no drugs. And good afternoon to you, too." He had forgotten how young she was. What was her age now, anyway? 23? 24? Old enough, but she still had the appearance of the teenage girl her fell in love with. Especially right now, fresh from the shower, smelling like apricots.

Buffy paused her fork in mid-air to look at him. "What are you thinking about?"

"How beautiful you are." He answered honestly.

She blushed, despite herself. "Too early for compliments. Besides," she looked up into his eyes, "I forgive you…I could forgive you anything." She was almost ashamed of herself for that admission, was this one of those co-dependent relationships you saw on afternoon television? It never seemed to matter what passed between them, she just kept loving him and wanting him. And right now she felt like she was home.

Both of them were silent, unable to move. Just losing themselves in each others eyes, each others soul.

Angel was the first to break contact, clearing his throat. "How's the omelet?" He felt surreal, as if he were floating in space. And he needed to pull himself back to earth.

"Great, really good." Buffy had jumped at his voice but kept hold of her fork, barely. She shoved in another mouthful, not really tasting it.

The effect he had on her was stronger, more intense than ever and she knew he had the same reaction to her. She could feel it, an almost tangible thing. As Spike would say, she was definitely love's bitch. The weird thing was, it felt really good.

She smiled up at him. "Three weeks, huh?"

Angel chuckled and sat down across from her. "Yeah, three weeks."

That had been a very intense encounter, his legs actually felt weak. No one but Buffy could ever make him feel this way. And if he lived another thousand years, no one else ever would.

* * *

The bead of sweat made an impatient path down between the perfect mounds of her breasts. Protected by the shade of a newly purchased umbrella, Angel watched in fascinated concentration, giving up all attempts to read the book he had brought out with him.

This had been his activity for the past two days as Buffy "worked on her tan".

"Angel, I need a bit of color before I go back to England. The pasty white gods attack as soon as you get off the plane and don't stop until every layer of color had been striped off. Just deal. Besides, you don't have to be out here with me, you know." She smiled with the knowledge that Angel wanted to be with her at all times.

So, Angel and Buffy made a field trip to Home Depot and purchased patio furniture. What a concept, Angel thought, furniture just for the patio.

Now, here he was watching Buffy in her barely-there bikini. Hypnotized by the rivulets of moisture that made paths throughout various parts of her body. Almost in agony, Angel had been attempting to read the same page in his book for the better part of an hour and was about to go in when Buffy appeared in front of him.

She stood between his legs andtouched his cheek as spoke. "So, your turn to tell me. Did you love her?"

He was driven to distraction. Buffy standing in front of him, heat, scents, emotions emanating from her. But he still knew what she what asking all the same.

"I loved her." She tried to pull away, but Angel held onto her. "I loved her Buffy, but I was never in love with her. We spent time together and I thought, maybe. But I would never lose my soul with her. And you know how she would've handled that. Glad that Angelus wasn't going to kill and totally pist that I didn't find perfect happiness with her." They both smiled at that, each with their own private memories of her. He looked deeply into her eyes. "Replacement parts that never quite fit."

"What?" He was forever saying little things that were meant to confuse her.

He shook his head to clear thoughts of Spike out. "It's only ever been you Buff." He pulled her onto his lap and nuzzled her neck, the spot where his mark lay. Her response was immediate as her arms went around his neck and she relaxed into his body.

Neither spoke nor really moved for minutes, just luxuriating in the feel of one another. Angel pulled her even closer and let out a growl that bordered on a purr.

Buffy felt herself begin to react. She wanted, she needed, she felt herself slipping away. He looked at her lips as she moistened them with her tongue and pulled her head to his as he gave her a soft kiss that quickly became heated. She was quickly losing herself in all her feelings. With her last moment of clarity, she jumped up from Angel's lap. "That is so not of the good. I need to clear my head. Think I'll go for a run, I haven't been out in days."

Buffy's face was flushed with desire and embarrassment so Angel decided to let her go. The possessiveness he felt with her was so intense, but if he were to convince her, he had to let her go. "Okay. Want to go out on patrol with me tonight? Or do you just want to relax, being on vacation and all?"

"Yes! Patrol. I have been relaxing too much. Besides, this can be, what do they call it, a trucker's holiday?"

"Busman's holiday. So okay, we'll go out tonight."

"What time are we leaving on patrol? I want to get back in time." She was so in the mood for this. She needed to get her pent up energy spent and this was the perfect way. If they couldn't have sex at least they could kill a bunch of demons.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary:** Set about a year after Not Fade Away. Angel's not happy, neither is Buffy. But she comes to town and needs his help and he just needs her. Not a great summary, but let me know if I should finish it up.

**Disclaimers:** Mutant Enemy and Joss Whedon own it all.

**Feedback**: Appreciated

* * *

It was hot and she was drenched with sweat, but she couldn't bring herself to make the return run to the Hyperion. Angel had asked her to forgo her run, they needed to talk he said.

And Buffy wanted to talk. She knew something was happening to her; she wanted to know the truth. But panic and fear had triumphed over facing her life. Now she swallowed hard and turned to begin the trip home.

How strange. She'd only been at the Hyperion with Angel for a few days, yet she already referred to it as home. It felt like home, being with Angel.

Seeing Angel was the real reason she came to Los Angeles. She didn't know it at the time, at least not consciously. There had been no real need for her to accompany Dawn; Buffy's dad hadn't even asked her. But deep down she knew. She had to see Angel. It had become an internal mantra. MustseeAngel-mustseeAngel-mustseeAngel. It pounded in her blood. Too much was going on inside of her, all her thoughts of him, allher emotions and dreams, connected to him. All about him. Somehow she knew Angel could help her, fix her.

Standing in front of the hotel, Buffy fought back her anxiety. She was on the cusp of something big, huge. Maybe she was being dramatic, but she really did feel something. Now all she needed was the courage to walk through those doors and face her life.

* * *

After she showered Buffy went in search of Angel. She found him in the first place she looked, the training room. He was beating the crap out of a punching bag.

"Better it than me, I suppose. Or are you going for the 'how many hits does it take to kill a punching bag" award? 'Cause I won that one last year and my knuckles are still sore. Slayer healing not withstanding." Angel just grunted as an acknowledgment to her presence.

He had removed his shirt and Buffy just stood back and watched as his body tensed with each hit on the bag. She could spend forever doing this, just looking at him. It was an activity that had never become boring and the one thing she fantasized about most often. Except this was real and she was becoming overwhelmed by him, by his scent.

"So," he grunted out while still working the bag, "you feel like talking?"

"I'd rather just watch you, but yeah. Suppose we should talk."

Angel stopped, picked up his towel and wiped down before slipping his shirt on. He could hear the rapid beat of her heart and smell her arousal but he was too cognizant of what he had to do to let it affect him. Much. "Let's go upstairs."

He followed her up, wondering where to start. He'd had time enough to practice what he was going to say, but nothing ever seemed quite right. Before her realized it, Buffy had led them to his bedroom. She looked over her shoulder at him.

"Thought you might be more comfy here." She sat in the armchair while Angel slid to the floor, his back against the foot of his bed. He looked up at her. "Where to start?"

Buffy took a deep breath. "What am I?"

This took Angel totally off guard. "W...w...what?" He stammered, he never stammered. "What are you talking about? What do you think you know?"

"I know there is something different about me. Something wrong? Every day, every week, every month the feeling gets stronger. I just don't know what it is or what it means." Buffy looked down at Angel, her eyes fearful. "Do you?"

"Some of it. A lot of it, I guess." He admitted.

"I knew it, you knew all along." She hissed. "And you kept it from me. Was this to protect me, again? I am not a child and you continue to insult me by making decisions for me! Angel, you should've…" She jumped out of her chair.

He stopped her before she could finish. "Buffy, I just found out! Right before you got here, I swear. I wouldn't keep this from you, you have to believe me. I promise, I'll never make a decision for you, for us, ever again."

"Yeah, like kidnapping me was our decision." She spat. She was angry, but she sat back down.

"Let's stay on subject, okay?"

"Yeah, okay." She conceded. "Go on, tell me." Her façade was calm, but Angel could hear the rapid beating of her heart.

And so, Angel began. "Okay, well about two weeks before you got into town…"


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary:** Set about a year after Not Fade Away. Angel's not happy, neither is Buffy. But she comes to town and needs his help and he just needs her. Not a great summary, but let me know if I should finish it up.

**Disclaimers:** Mutant Enemy and Joss Whedon own it all.

**Feedback**: Appreciated

This is the last chapter, hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed working on it. I may write a sequel to this one, kinda came up while working on this. Thanks to all who reviewed, especially thekorapersonality, your input really helped

* * *

Buffy stood in front of the window, staring at nothing. Breathe, just breathe. One breath, then the next. I can do this, she thought. Are things really all that different? Okay, some things are different, strange. But she was still Buffy. She was still a slayer, still had a sister, still loved Angel. She had come back different, not wrong, just different. 

Angel was sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting. When he had told her about the demon he wasn't sure what to expect. But he had expected a reaction of some kind. Yelling, denial, crying, items thrown across the room. But not this, not nothing. So he waited, afraid to leave.

"You can relax. I'm not gonna jump out the window. Even if I did, it's really not that much of a drop." She turned to face him.

"This had nothing to do with all the wiggin I went through when I came back Angel. I mean, it would be great to blame all my crazy on the demon, but I really don't think so."

He just looked at her and listened.

"I know I can be the queen of denial sometimes, but I made some really stupid conscious decisions back then. Key word being conscious. I accept it Angel. I take full responsibility for all of it. Even that stupid cookie dough analogy a couple of years ago. Buffy in all her Buffy-girl glory."

"And now?"

"Now?" She walked over and sat next to him. "Now, things are making sense to me. I know I'm me but I also know that I'm more, different. I can stop fighting me. I stopped looking for normal a long time ago, so this is really appropriate for me, don't ya think? It's really weird, should I feel the bad in this demon, 'cause I really don't." She leaned into him and Angel put his arms around her. "I feel sorta... free? Does that make any sense?"

"Knowledge is freedom, babe. The truth, all that stuff. This may sound weird, but not all demons are bad, evil. I mean, it's not all black and white, Buff. Not all demons are like Angelus. But you know that, you've met some. They live in different dimensions, they live lives. The one in you, well, we could spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out what it is, but it really doesn't matter 'cause it's a part of you now. You know Cordelia had to become part demon to survive her visions, it helped her. Maybe…I don't know babe, you've made it through the last three years."

"I can't believe how well I'm taking all this. Maybe I'm in shock? I suppose part of it is it's just such a relief to know I'm not crazy, well not insane. I guess this explains the dreams. I thought it was just wishful dreaming. I do dream about you, a lot. And with intensity, but these dreams, wow!"

"I know. So, now what babe?" He whispered into her ear.

She shook her head. "I don't know. You tell me. Do we try to remove it? Do I live with it? Will it eventually take over? I'm a bit overwhelmed Angel. It's not everyday you discover a demon is sharing your body." She gave him a sly smile. "Okay, so maybe it's an everyday thing for you, but not for me."

"According to Doyle, this demon is a part of you now. We could talk to Willow about it, and Giles, see what they have to say. I just don't know."

"I don't want Willow or Giles to ever know about this. It's taken a long time, but Willow and I have made peace about the whole thing. This'll just reopen old wounds, it's pointless." She was vehement about this.

Angel pulled Buffy onto his lap. "I've come to some decisions." Buffy began to bristle.

He laughed. "Sorry. Okay, not decisions, more like realizations. I'm not prepared to be that self-sacrificing martyr anymore. I'll fight the good fight, Buff, at least the best that I can. But I will not be guilted into pushing away the things that I need, that I want. I've also come to the conclusion that pure bliss, pure happiness just isn't in the cards for me and I'm okay with that."

"And this means?"

"You. I need you, want you in my life. And I'm not afraid. I can face the loss, live with the pain if I have you. And I think you need me too. I'm not an avatar, Buffy, I'm not a Buddha, I don't want to do this alone anymore. A little peace, some completeness, that's all I'm asking for. And that's what you bring to me." He searched her eyes for an answer. "I'm home when you're with me, I'm whole."

She put her arms around his neck and held him close to her. "I'm thinking maybe this demon brought me here to you. I didn't need to come with Dawn, you know. I felt pulled, drawn to you and when this L.A. trip came up it was perfect timing for me."

"It's time Buff. We've waited long enough."

"And Angelus?"

"He's here. Can't you feel him? He's here, but so am I and I'm stronger and we've come to terms. I accept him as a part of me. He knows what we've been through and he realizes that he won't be getting out again." He drew small circles on her back.

She looked into his eyes. "I guess there's something to be said for the tragic life, huh?"

"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, or so they say. Will you stay with me?"

Buffy felt him hold his non-existent breath. "I think I'd have to say yes to that one. I love you. Seems me and the demon can't get along without you. And I need you to help me with this. I'm not sure what else to expect. So, how long a life does this demon have? You know, Anya lived for over a thousand years before she lost her mojo."

"Doyle wasn't sure, indefinitely was all he could say. He was always a bit squirrelly with straight answers. Does it matter? I'll be with you for as long as we have."

"That is such a good answer. You really are gonna be a great boyfriend. I can totally deal with that. Do you think you can stand me for a really long time?" She nuzzled his neck and gave him a little bite.

He shuddered with pleasure. "Only forever, but I have to admit, you're making me nervous with all the agreeable. This isn't Buffy and this definitely isn't the demon. Are you sure you're okay with all this?"

She smiled a sad smile. "So, you're the only one who can change? Of course I'm not okay with all of it. Not yet anyway. But I want to be. I want to fight and howl at the gods. I want to fight vampires and demons and apocalypses. But I don't want to fight my life, not anymore. And I don't want to fight you. I've been fighting my desires, my instincts for so long Angel. I just want to let go. Accept my here and now. Accept a life with you."

Angel held her close. He hadn't felt this relaxed…ever. "This is good, really good. Okay. What do you want to do? Patrol, stay in, talk some more?"

"I'm all talked out, babe. Why don't we move all my stuff in here first? I am so not going to live in the same house as you and not share your bed. Sound like a plan?"

Angel stood up with Buffy in his arms. "Sounds like a great plan."

* * *

Buffy awoke to Angel's arm and leg thrown over her body. She smiled. It felt so good, so comforting, and really heavy. Sort of like her life, except maybe not quite so heavy. Actually, for the first time in a really long time, despitethe demon, she felt light. Kind of all floaty. Maybe that was because of the demon, but she didn't care, she was almost happy.Nearly three weeks of living with Angel and they were both still alive and themselves, no escaping demons. Yeah, she was in all kinds of happy. Giles had been a little upset over the new set of events, but Willow was, as expected, supportive. Even researching Romanian gypsy curses, just in case. But Buffy had no doubts, this was forever. Just as it was meant to be, she was sure.

Looking over at the clock on the dresser, Buffy saw that it was almost two in the afternoon. She and Angel had found a particularly nasty nest ofvamps on patrol last night. Once they had dusted the lot, they had made their way home and a restorative shower had turned into them making love until well past the sun coming up. Faith had been right about what a good battle could do to a person. She was starving, too.

And she was sore, but in a reallysuperior way. Buffy had blamed their demons for their passionate, at times bordering on violent love-making. But Angel told her it was them, the two of them finally accepting all that they felt for each other, the soft and the hard. Neither of them were subtle, shy. They were passionate, physical, violent. And when they came together, it was all there. He had smiled at her shocked look. "We should revel in all that we are babe, all that we are becoming, together." And so she did as they continued to make love throughout the rest of the morning.

As Buffy was attempting to extradite herself from under Angel her cell phone started blaring "Mama Mia". The past couple of years she had developed a fondness for ABBA. She told Angel this was a choice from the demon, she would have never picked Abba in the right frame of mind. Actually, Buffy discovered she could use the little sucker as an excuse in any number of circumstances. Things were turning out just fine, she thought smugly.

As she made a dive for her purse to retrieve her phone she flipped Angel onto the floor with a loud thud. He looked up at her in confusion, rubbing the back of his head. "What?"

"Sorry babe, the phone." She was laughing as she answered. "Hello.'

"Buffy? You didn't forget, right? You're picking me up tomorrow night at seven? He's like a vampire, sucking the life and joy right out of me. One more day with him and I swear your father gets a stake through the heart! I can do it too since he's really not my father, after all, I'm just a false memory." Dawn was practically hyperventilating.

Buffy stifled a laugh, "Don't worry Dawnie, we'll be there."

Dawn picked up on that right away. "We? There's a we? Who's the other half of you that makes a we?"

No time like the present, Buffy thought. "Angel. Angel and I will be picking you up at the airport. Actually, we'll be staying with him, at his hotel."

Buffy had to hold the telephone away from her ear as Dawn let out a 30 second shriek. "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I knew it! I knew you guys would get back together. I just knew it. I even told Willow, just ask her, really. So, like were there lots of smoochies? Come on, spill. Oh my god, is Angel still Angel?" There was a slight pause, "I guess you wouldn't be telling me all this if he did go all fangy. So, how, what, where, when? Givegivegive…"

"Dawn." Buffy cut her off mid-sentence. "Please take a breath. We'll talk tomorrow, okay?"

"I'm just so excited, good news is good. Tell Angel I'm really happy for you guys." Then, in a smaller voice. "Buffy, are you okay? This is of the good, yes?"

""I'm really good Dawn. For the first time in a long time, I'm really good. We're really good."


End file.
